I Am Mrs. Beavers

Will a Gay Go Help Her?: Sequins Squandered

2010-02-07T13:03:00.000-08:00

Peggy Fleming won the Olympic gold medal in women's figure skating in 1968. Here she is in all her modest elegance, an Audrey Hepburn in ice! Never has a mock turtleneck looked so lovely.

Also pictured in Rachael Flatt, the current US women's champion and Olympic team member. Her dress reminds me of the wallpaper in a Chinatown dim sum cafe.

Will a gay go help her?

The Appeal of Sandra

2010-02-07T12:52:00.000-08:00

I think we are all tired of freaks, "divas", and the overly tanned. Real Housewives are a bore, and Celebrities in Rehab are depressing--I thought I had it bad! Lingerie models in catalogs look like triathletes in lace, teenagers on "Gossip Girl" seem 45 at the youngest, and who knows how old Regis is--115? 125? Nothing is normal anymore. Except for Sandra Bullock.

What a relief to see an actress (other than Meryl Streep, Our Lady of Real Talent) look so lovely and have such success in middle age! Plus, she doesn't get arrested. Brava, Miss Bullock!

Will a Gay Go Help Her?: Dress Dish

2010-02-07T12:41:00.000-08:00

Hi folks. January got away from me. Well hell, 2009 got away from me! But Britney Spears always pulls me back in...

Britney is still searching for her "look." Madonna has her ripped body and black lace; Pam Anderson has her breasts and child-sized clothes; Posh has her skeleton. Britney is still taking advice from others, and it shows. This mess of a dress would ONLY look good on one person--6-feet tall model Gisele Bundchen. This 50's undies-under-lace-midi-slip needs a tall frame and thin limbs to pull off. Britney's gymnast's body looks too stocky and cut off. I am sure that Brit Brit is tiny in person, but this dress make her look thick in the wrong way (for thick in the RIGHT way, see Beyonce).

Will some gay go help her?

It's Coat Weather!

2009-12-03T15:01:00.001-08:00

Baby, it's cold outside! And thank the Lord! I love when it's chilly enough to wear a wig or hair piece and not feel too hot, you know?

Coats are such a blessing. They cover a multitude of sins: a crummy outfit, holiday bloat, stains. Miss Dita Von Teese it pictured here in a fab holiday wrap, and what an inspiration she is! Deck the halls indeed!

Tiger Woods Had Sex With Women Who Are Not Naturally Blonde

2009-12-02T16:14:00.000-08:00

Tiger Woods' wife Elin has the brightest blonde hair in the world, the sort of spun-into-silk golden tresses that can only be created by Scandinavian DNA. When you marry THAT sort of uber-blonde, it's all down hill after the wedding photos. And she's NATURALLY flaxen--the rarest of flowers. Not a whiff of skank about that Elin--she is sweet and pretty! She has never been on a reality show! How can a man play at that high a level? He can't. Tiger flew too close to the Midnight Sun. He's not a god--he's a golfer. And a sorta dorky looking one at that! It was just a matter of time before he slept with dingy-tressed cocktail waitresses with L'Oreal Home Highlights. Poor guy. He was raised on Playboy, not Bergman films... all he can do now is buy Elin a big diamond, spend a few weeks waiting on her hand and foot, and let her send the kids to school in Sweden. You broke it, you buy it, Tiger!

Yes Ma'am, He Found Me In A Honky Tonk

2009-11-07T16:55:00.000-08:00

Want some good old fashioned advice? Check out Leona William's song "I'm Too Good To Be Better Than Nothing", on her "New Patches" CD! I heard it just today and it knocked me out. So I thought, why do I know that name...and I found a very special lady!

Hailing from the small town of Vienna, Missouri, Leona Williams landed her first radio show at the age of 15 in Jefferson City, Missouri. This was the beginning of a lifetime in country music. She moved to Nashville in the 1960’s, and was soon recording for several major record labels with such hits as “Once More”, “Yes Ma'am, He Found Me In A Honky Tonk”, “Country Girl With Hot Pants On” and “Broadminded.”

Leona played upright bass and sang harmony for Loretta Lynn. During this time, she and Lynn became close friends and traveled throughout the country with each other. Loretta recorded Leona's composition "Get What You Got and Go."

Leona later teamed up with Merle Haggard for a top ten duet called “The Bull and the Beaver”; they married in 1978. During this time, she would write some of Merle’s biggest hits including “You Take Me For Granted” and “Someday When Things Are Good.” You can hear her harmony vocals on some of Merle's hits such as “The Way I Am”, “The Roots Of My Raising” and “Big City.” Merle and Leona were divorced in 1984.

Leona married songwriter Dave Kirby and moved back to Vienna, Missouri. She continues to work the road and has released three CDs on her own Loveshine label.

Leona's songs have been recorded by many artists including Tammy Wynette, Randy Travis, Moe Bandy, Ray Price, Loretta Lynn, Johnny Bush, George Jones, Forester Sisters, Connie Smith and Merle Haggard. Salute!

Dita and Doxies

2009-10-29T11:08:00.000-07:00

Miss Von Teese gets triple points: 1. No tan; 2. Red lipstick at the pool; 3. Two pet dachshunds. PERFECTION!

I like the OLD Halloween...

2009-10-23T15:42:00.000-07:00

...before it became an excuse to dress slutty/practice for Burning Man!

Fun

2009-10-22T15:33:00.000-07:00

As an Iowan, it is genetically impossible for me to have as much fun as the people in the above photo. I would have to leave the grotto to check my work email, or wonder if getting a taxi home was going to be an issue. It's hard for me to relax. There was nothing in Luther League about relaxing.

Terrier of the Week--this guy!

2009-10-22T14:48:00.000-07:00

I love the drive of this wired-haired fox terrier! HE WANTS THE STICK!

Black Pompadours--an appreciation

2009-10-22T14:36:00.000-07:00

I have always appreciated the African-American pompadour. I like Caucasian and Asian pomps, too--but a black quiff has so much pizazz! Muddy Waters had a pomp, but the first one I noticed was on Little Richard, who allegedly stole his hair-do from Esquerita. Now Rihanna is channelling Prince, and Janelle Monae is a a female Elvis. I love it all!

Dita, then and now

2009-10-21T16:49:00.001-07:00

On the left is Dita Von Teese's high school yearbook picture--when she was known by her given name, Heather Sweet. On the right is our girl as Red Lipstick Role Model #1. Compare, contrast and discuss.

I loved your look, Mary!

2009-10-21T16:42:00.001-07:00

I am tardy in mentioning the mighty influence of the late Mary Travers. Just dig her--bangs, straight hair, turtleneck. I dressed like her all through the mid-80's and into the 90's--heck, I still do! Look at her saving the world, one cig at a time. Love it! We'll miss ya, Mare.

Texas Tube Top

2009-10-20T13:28:00.000-07:00

Mr. Beavers and I just returned from Austin, Texas, a delightful town. We had a Lone Star at Ginny's Little Longhorn, a tavern on the north side of the city. The bartender at this charmingly divey honky tonk rawked a University of Texas tube top, pictured above. Tube tops are tricky business--really, they only look OK on little girls and Playboy models. And that's debatable.

As the bartender served a round of Pearl Lights to a table of senior citizens, one of the elderly lady patrons said, "Hon, I just LOVE yer top! I'd wear one myself, but I only have one boob. Oh, that reminds me--I have ta go git ma huntin' license!"

Don't mess with Texas.

Pre-Whore Hollywood

2009-10-13T14:54:00.000-07:00

Last night I watched a bit of "Field of Dreams" on AMC (OK--I was dead tired). Actress Amy Madigan played the role of the supportive wife in this 1989 family drama--and it struck me that she is a shining example of Pre-Whore Hollywood. By this I mean until about 1992 or so, a movie wife didn't have to be "smokin' hot". She could be normal looking. Now things are so Playboy-ized that we have a plethora of fat guy/hot wife TV shows, and movies like "Knocked Up" in which a huge slob impregnates a pretty lady and SHE HAS THE BABY. In real life Katherine Heigel would have SPRINTED to an abortion clinic and only admitted her disgusting assignation to a therapist.

Maybe that's what the whole "Cougar Revolution" is about--older women wanting a Playgirl-ized world. Young hotties for all!

The enduring relevance of Mr. Mac Davis

2009-10-11T14:12:00.000-07:00

Today I was doing errands and "Baby Don't Get Hooked on Me" came on the radio. Written and recorded by entertainment utility man Mac Davis (songwriter/singer/actor/variety show host/whitey 'fro wearer), it's a mid-tempo country/soul tune that essentially states "Hey sweet lady--let's have sex, but I just know that I won't be your boyfriend." It's a timeless warning that all women should heed! I got so caught up in singing along that I forgot my errand. Boy was Mr. Beavers angry when I got home!

My pal Rick is LA is a Mac Davis type--handsome, great musician, understated, awesome hair haver. When Rock was first trying to make his way in the music business in the late 70's, his mom offered the following advice: "Why don't you get your own variety TV show like Mac Davis?" Indeed! Moms are so sweet.

But seriously, gals, listen to Mac--just because a man sleeps with you does not mean he intends to be your life partner. Proceed with caution.

Back to Beavers!

2009-10-09T15:26:00.000-07:00

I was gone a long, long time, and my two readers noticed. Bless you! You know what drug me back? Roman Goddamned Polanski. The nerve of that little creep! He looks like a rat. He is one. I want to hit him.

Polanski drugged then anally raped a 13 year old girl who protested his advances. He admitted to this act--he plead guilty. Then he fled the country so he would not have to serve a 1.5 year sentence in a nice jail or pick up trash on the side of the highway. Note to Harvey Weinstein, Wes Anderson, Natalie Portman, Woody Allen, and the other artists who signed a petition to support his release: Polanski did NOT plead non-guilty--did you get that part of the story? Polanski said he did it!

Pleading guilty does not absolve you of serving a sentence, even if you are talented and rich. Living in France for 31 years is not a punishment. "Chinatown" was a great movie, but Polanski directed it--he didn't WRITE it. How many points does he deserve?

And I know his victim has "moved on" (not her words) but Polanski admitted to a crime and justice doesn't have an expiration date. Michael Vick went to jail for killing dogs. I think Polanski should serve some time for raping a human.

Dita Watch May 2009

2009-05-30T13:28:00.001-07:00

Dita Von Teese wears a lovely flower-printed dress and sky-high pumps while out and about. She is a living, breathing Snow White! Those pale legs are a wonder and the red purse matches her lipstick. Another winning outfit, Miss Von Teese!

Lookin' Good, Joan

2009-05-30T13:12:00.000-07:00

Joan Baez is 68 years old, and I dig it! Her Nature Gal thang has aged very well.

The folk singer and songwriter is known for her highly individual vocal style and her lifelong passion for activism, notably in the areas of nonviolence, civil, human rights and, more recently, the environment.

I think it's refreshing to see a performer in her 60's who does not have a Botoxed mask face and permanent eyeliner--there is only one woman who can pull that off, and it's the other awesome Joan--Joan Collins!

Norma!

2009-05-30T13:03:00.001-07:00

Episode #3 of The Fashion Show featured the fabulously accomplished designer Norma Kamali, who joined hosts Issac Mizrahi, Kelly Rowland and Fern Mallis as a guest judge.

I love Norma's look--pompadoured hair, huge cate eyes shades, and a trench coat worn indoors! Sort of a rockabilly spy thing--love it!

Terriers of the Week--Floyd and Jenny

2009-05-28T14:47:00.001-07:00

They are Australian Terriers, brother and sister!

Bay to Beavers

2009-05-26T14:19:00.000-07:00

I am against public nudity and public exercise--both should be practiced in the privacy of your own home. I make exceptions for baseball and horse racing, because baseball is our national past time and horses cannot comfortably wear clothes. No other amendments, please! I am not interested in your nudie photo groups at the beach! And co-ed volleyball is just too much.

In San Francisco, there is an annual foot race called Bay to Breakers. Every year, thousands of locals let their freak flag fly by running the race naked or semi-clothed. Uncomfortable? I would say so. Uncomfortable for ME, that is!

During this year's Bay to Breakers, I was parking my car just as an N Judah street car opened it's doors and released 50 passengers onto Noe Street--most of whom were coming back from the race's finish. A young gal, probably 25, exited the car, dressed as follows: Gap sale rack bra (see through), Hanes Her Way pink briefs (also transparent), tall knee socks and Adidas sneakers. And a backpack (opaque). And it was a cool, windy day! I saw it all and so did everyone else. Bay to Beavers!

I Heart Jesus at the Post Office

2009-05-08T14:49:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday I waited in a long line at an Oakland, CA post office. A lone USPS employee, a harried older Asian woman who seemed the very definition of the word "beleaguered", was working frantically behind the bullet-proof glass. So twelve us of quietly annoyed white folks stood in a single line, shifting our weight from foot to foot, sighing softly now and then. As if shot from out of a cannon, an older African-American lady burst through the doors of the post office, wearing a "I Heart Jesus" baseball cap on her tiny, old head. "You only got one person workin' here?" she cried to the postwoman. "Well get someone else out here--I gotta hair appointment!"

Another employee appeared from the back room, as if cued from a script.

A Name You Should Know--James Burton

2009-05-06T17:14:00.003-07:00

You've heard him wail on the guitar a thousand times! Now know his name--guitarist-extraordinaire James Burton. To even seasoned guitar legends, Burton's sound remains unmistakable--he invented/popularized the guitar "chicken-pickin'" sound, and his talent remains an awe-inspiring presence in pop/rock/country music to this day.

Born in Shreveport, Louisiana, on August 21, 1939, Burton began playing music professionally at 14. He recorded the inimitable solo on Dale Hawkins' hit "Suzie Q" at 15. By the time he was 16, Burton joined Ricky Nelson's band and played with him for eight years.

Burton went on to record with over one thousand artists, some of which included Wanda Jackson, Herb Albert, Buffalo Springfield, Hoyt Axton, J.J. Cale, Johnny Cash, Judy Collins, Nat King Cole, Willie Nelson, Frank Sinatra, Ray Charles, the Everly Brothers, Elvis Presley, Merle Haggard, Gram Parsons, Emmylou Harris, Waylon Jennings, Jerry Lee Lewis, Billy Joe Shaver, Bobby Darin, Joni Mitchell, Phil Ochs, Buck Owens, Glen Campbell, George Jones, Dean Martin, Randy Newman, Sammy Davis, Jr., Frankie Lane, Burl Ives, Charlie Rich, Duane Eddy, Townes Van Zandt, Henry Mancini, Leon Russell, Hank Williams, Jr., John Denver, Ronnie Hawkins, Ry Cooder, Ronnie Milsap, Del Shannon, Jimmie Dale Gilmore and many others.

Keith Richards inducted Burton into the rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2001.

Learn him. Know him. Love him.

Why Ya Been Gone So Long?

2009-05-01T14:47:00.000-07:00

Jessi Colter recorded "Why Ya Been Gone So Long?" for her 1971 RCA release "A Country Star Is Born." Her version of Mickey Newberry's country classic is more groovy and rockin' then her later hit "I'm Not Lisa", but both are great songs. Check her out!

Anthropomorphized Rodentia

2009-04-30T16:12:00.001-07:00

Merry, yet troubling.

Can the Sexually Unattractive Possess Talent?

2009-04-28T16:35:00.000-07:00

I know I am a day late and a dollar short on the whole Susan Boyle thang, but heck, working a day job in the ad game, reading fashion magazines, inventing sparkling wine-based cocktails and listening to Johnny Paycheck LPs takes up a lot of time. Plus, I've been thinking bout washing my truck. And the dog needs a bath. I have a lot hanging over my head, folks.

So, the big dealio is that an unattractive middle-aged woman named Susan Boyle had the NERVE to get on the TV and sing--and pretty darn well. Now I would have preferred if she had belted out some vintage Tammy Wynette, but I know those Brits LOVE overly-sentimental show tunes--they are a bunch of big babies behind all that stiff upper lip nonsense. Practically Malaysian in their middle-brow tastes!

I was not shocked by Susan Boyle. Being from Iowa, I am familiar with talented people who do not look like Angelina Jolie. Land in Des Moines then pick any Lutheran choir director or the local junior high music teacher--you'll find a big, rawed-boned gal with frizzy hair and perfect pitch. And probably no eye make up or lower back tattoo. So I find the whole over-reaction to Boyle a bit patronizing--"Oh, good for YOU, sweetheart! You're ugly and yet this did not stop you from living!" Oh please. Let her move on in the competition, then just smile sadly when she is defeated by some tranny-tastic Maria Carey wannabe.

Would You Rather Be Called a "Slut" or "Fat"?

2009-03-10T16:57:00.000-07:00

I got the idea from Mr. Beavers, who read about it here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/charlotte-hilton-andersen/would-you-rather-be-calle_b_169010.html

Which is worse these days: Being called fat or whore? If magazine covers and "Rock of Love" are any indication, every woman in America would rather be known for being "aggressively sexy" than being a "big girl". Sex is no longer immoral--it's viewed as "healthy," as if you would die if you did not have it--so "being bad" is now assigned to other physical acts--such as eating "bad" food that makes you overweight. Fat people are the sluts of gluttony. Being obese has become the worst sin you can commit today.

Food is the new Church. The current popular call is to “mindful eating." In the past 30 years there has been tremendous growth in macrobiotic eating, vegetarianism and its related offshoots: all these movements make moral as well as health claims. So fat folks are not just gonna die of a heart attack--they are also going to HELL!

Charlotte Hilton Andersen writes, "If food is the new sex, meaning in the sense that our society has constructed strict mores about its consumption, followed by swift repercussions when those mores are broken, then publicly pillorying fat people is the modern equivalent of sending away a pregnant teen until her shame resolves itself. There is a new scarlet letter in town: it's spelled XXL."

Perhaps the reason for the success of NBC's "The Biggest Loser" is that we get to view the pain of the obese contestants. The participants are paying for their indulgence, with blood, sweat and tears. As they SHOULD, viewers seem to say. The show is not just about inspirational, feel-good weight loss and the reversal of bad health and bad habits. It's about seeing the fatties sweat! Penance, if you will.

If you are obese, you can't hide it, unless you stay inside your house 24/7. But sex addicts can walk around undetected. No fair!

Madge is the New Hef

2009-02-20T11:01:00.000-08:00

Hugh Hefner and his live-in 20-something Girl Bunnies are a weird/awesome train wreck that is fun to watch for five minutes. Then you start to think, wow, Hef has access to all the blonde, large-breasted women in the world...and it seems sorta empty/sad, in the long run. The girls probably don't even like him that much. Because let me be frank--Hef is in his 80's and is wrinkly and wears jammies all the time and uses Viagra and the girls have to share him!

But it's Hef world and the bunnies just live in it. Being the King is probably pretty damn fun, for HIM. He must know that the girls are using him for their careers as much as he is using them for 24/7 access to sexxxy youth. So it's a fair exchange.

And now it's Madonna's turn to gross us out/have fun.

Madge now has a 22-year-old Brazilian boyfriend names Jesus Luz. Does she know she's now a sugar mama? Does she care? Probably not. Since the real partnership/marriage schematic is not for her, she might as well bring on the rent boys. But what do they talk about? Silly question, Mrs. Beavers. I am sure that Hef and Madonna are not that interested in what their prizes have to say.

No One Died When Federer Cried

2009-02-20T10:36:00.000-08:00

In this year's Australian Open final, Roger Federer was defeated by long-time rival Rafael Nadal. The match lasted over four hours with Nadal victorious in five sets. Federer broke down in tears during the trophy presentation and struggled to make his runner-up speech.

I have mixed feelings about tears in public. I was raised a Midwestern Lutheran, which means that I was taught that "feelings" and "emotions" need to be turned back inside and suppressed, the same as any other evil impulse. Why would you ever want anyone to know what you are thinking? Showing your hand leads to being judged! And no one wants that.

But Federer played his best, and he best was not good enough to win. That's as heart-breaking as it gets, for anyone. So a few tears of frustration and disappointment are acceptable. Let's just not make it a habit, Roger.

On the other hand, the American Gothic Iowan in my heart is saying, "Well if he had WON, he wouldn't need to cry." Oh Iowan SNAP!

Grammy Gals

2009-02-08T14:19:00.000-08:00

Last night was Clive Davis' Grammy Party! How did the ladies do, fashion-wise?

Whitney Houston looks pretty good for someone who has been smoking cocaine in a New Jersey McMansion for 10 years. The animal print/Jackie Collins Collection is a good new phase for her. I am not being sarcastic! Tight leopard IS a good look with her coloring and body type!

Welsh retro-soul singer Duffy is a cutie pie; I love the poofy hair and black eye liner. She is in her 20's, so she can experiment with heavy eye make up. And I like the fact that she is not 90 pounds--she has real cheeks! And real lips!

Sheryl Crow is getting that Social X-ray look. She is overly poo-poo-tan colored and a bit gaunt--working that triathlete-Aniston angle. It's aging. I know going sleeveless is a badge of honor for women--look, no fat arm dangle--but it can work against you, too. Look--man arms! Look--Holocaust survivor!

Sweet little Carrie Underwood is dressed like a 1970's airport lounge hooker, a la Sharon Stone in "Casino." But La Stone had the balls to carry it off. Carrie looks like she lost a bet with Pam Anderson's stylist. Isn't it funny that it's often the Christian gals from the South who work this "sexxy" look? I'd like to see Carrie in a "Mad Men" style vintage gown. Leave the sparkly mini dresses to the "Deal or No Deal" money honeys!

Jessica needs to dress more like Dolly Parton circa 1975!

2009-02-02T18:06:00.000-08:00

I think this shot of Jessica Simpson is unflattering for several reasons. She is wearing clothes that do not compliment her shape. A tight, sleeveless t shirt is hard to pull off if you are short and busty. High-waisted jeans are best left to long-legged ladies such as Lauren Hutton and Cameron Diaz. And a thick belt can be waist-whittling--IF paired with a black skirt.

Jessica needs to dress more like Dolly Parton circa 1975! Trendy, tight teen clothes are fine if you are on The Hills, but not if you have a big chest, big hair, and a big country voice. More glittery jumpsuits, Jess! Less Forever 21!

Terrier of the Week--Pirate Jenny

2009-02-02T18:05:00.001-08:00

A 3-month old pup in full action! Go, Jenny!

Terrier of the Week--Flirt

2009-01-27T14:03:00.001-08:00

Flirt is the 18-pound Australian Terrier on the right.
Arthur is the 100-pound Kuvasz on the left.
They are pals.
See, Rodney King--we CAN get along!

Step up Losers!

2009-01-26T19:02:00.000-08:00

"American Idol" makes me seethe with rage. I think it's the clothing more than the music--all those little boy contestants with their gelled hair, soft bellies covered with overly-designed T shirts, looking like a bunch of French Canadians metrosexual horn dogs at a disco. That's not entertainment to me. Reality TV has never been my thing. Until I saw one episode of "Wife Swap".

From the "Wife Swap" website: "Each week from across the country, two families with very different values are chosen to take part in a two-week long challenge. The wives from these two families exchange husbands, children and lives (but not bedrooms) to discover just what it's like to live another woman's life. It's a mind-blowing experiment that often ends up changing their lives forever." I'll say! The episode I saw involved white Rastafarians and an ex-Marine. Here goes:

The Vallone family of Florida (the white Rastas) consists of wife Jana, husband Jason, and their four children. Instead of working a regular nine-to-five job, Jason sings in a reggae band. Jana home-schools the children and teaches them the principles of ONE LOVE. The Vallone family believes that Jah will provide, and they often take trips to the beach.

The Martin family of Texas consists of wife Katrina, ex-Marine Troy, and their three daughters. The Martin family value good financial management and set financial goals. The three daughters all have chores that they must complete each day.

My favorite part of the episode is when Texas mama Katrina confronts white Rasta dad Jason about money. Texas mama Katrina demands that Jason place his gig earnings in a glass jar on the kitchen counter, so that she can keep track of his income. When Katrina asks Jason why there is money missing from the jar, he admits he took money out to "buy some cold brews." Katrina pushes him to explain himself, and Jason shouts, "Truth and reality, Woman--Truth and reality! Rastafari!"

When Mr. Beavers asks me what happened to the missing mortgage payment, I will now answer, "Truth and reality, Man--Truth and reality! Rastafari!"

Below are some random web comments I found about this "Wife Swap" episode, which made me laugh as hard as the episode:

"Jason (Jahson) is a huge loser, I’ll bet that he comes from a rich background. He needs to get a job and stop relying on “Ja”. I’ll bet that this couple sells pot to make ends meet instead of making an honest living. If these losers went to Jamaica they would get their lilly white a**** thrown out. Jason and Janna Suck! Wake up to reality, your kids are getting a worse education than public school (if that’s possible) and sleeping on a dirty mattress. Step up Losers!"

"are you serious some of you people are kinda ignorant he has love for his family and friends the religion states that anyone is entitled to particapate in it ,oh …me i am on the computer working and then a friend turned on the tv ,guess what America for people who really are devoted to having an honest working lifstyle and over laying a religion just to prove a point unlike what im do ,see im correcting you as you have your opinion i just simply wont lie thought it and blinly makeit ,see as you come home from your honest job you sit down to wathc tv about a family that gets exploited or is it that you watch it cause youve become bored with life and angery life is driven by that soul of true spirits if you love to judge wait till you are judged okay it is better to believe in some thing then to believe in nothing
” digg that man , cause i aint going to listen to the sound of your (bitching) band ” once a rasta alway the true path though the journey to the end of life ,Digg"

Step up Losers!

The "i" Stands For "Isolation"

2009-01-18T13:21:00.000-08:00

I know I am always late to the tech party (Mr. Beavers and I take calls on a 60-year old rotary dial phone), but my year-old iPod Nano gives me great joy. Duh! I can listen to songs by George Jones, ELO and The Flamin' Groovies one right after the other--bam bam BAM! I now look forward to my twice-a-day commute as a welcome respite--a time when I can amuse myself with my own eclectic taste. Oh, I downloaded both The Move AND Miles Davis! How cool am I? Jeez, Mrs. Beavers, simmer down...

So now I no longer listen to the radio. I can't stand the commercials. I work in advertising and I can't stand the commercials. I love that I can control my iPod! Me! Mrs. Beavers! And I no longer have to listen to my fellow bus riders complain about Bush/traffic/their boss/"they". I can be in my own head "movie", a film that has the perfect soundtrack. I am alone in a crowd and I like it.

I found this article on the web and it delighted me:

NY Mirror, Tuesday, May 25th 2004
"iPod, Annotated"
by Laura Conaway

"Sometime last week—Wednesday night, maybe—an anonymous scribbler took a marker to a block-long row of iPod posters, adding a penetrating spin on Apple's pitch for "10,000 songs in your pocket." People walking by on Thursday slowed to consider the dozens of new messages stretching down the east side of Lafayette, from Great Jones to Bond: The "i" in iPod "stands for isolation," the writer had scrawled above one silhouette of that annoying lone figure dancing. "The 'i' stands for insecure," for "irrational," for "inibriated" and "inebriated."

"The 'i' stands for 'I want one,' " read the graffitied line on one billboard. With an urban cry reminiscent of Barbara Kruger's graphic exploits or the Missing Foundation's upturned cocktail glass, whoever did this hasty work turned an ad campaign about being cool into a commentary on being alone. With their own markers, viewers answered back. "The 'i' stands for the person who did these comments 'is totally cool,' " one wrote. Another complained, "The I stands for impatence [sic] you idiot." A third dispensed with the "I" business completely and just stated, "Your notes are stupid."

By Friday morning, the game was over. Rain had washed most of the marks away."

I hate people who stop in the middle of a crowded sidewalk to take a cellphone call, or who talk loudly while riding the bus. But iPods keep people quiet. It's like Prozac for your ears!

Big Bang Beat: Feist, Jenny Lewis and Cat Power

2009-01-09T12:56:00.000-08:00

I love bangs. I wear bangs. But my bangs and I have been put in our place. From "Stuff White people Like", June 27, 2008:

"It is essential for you to know this haircut (bangs) is more than a mere fashion statement– it is an important cultural marking. Throughout the world, many cultures feature ceremonies to announce that a girl has become a woman. For white people, the haircut-with-bangs is an important symbol that a female has completed her transformation from a nerdy girl to a cool woman. In fact, if you went to high school with a nerdy white girl who moved to a big city, there is a good chance she will show up to your high school reunion with this haircut. When you are introduced to a group of white people, it’s a good idea to befriend the girl with the bangs. She’s probably the most popular."

This was painful for me to read. Because it is TRUE-ish.

Above are the three lovely bang-wearing ladies of alternative pop--Feist, Jenny Lewis and Cat Power. Look how cool they are! I wonder if Jenny and Cat were jealous that Feist was in Stephen Colbert's Christmas TV special. I was! But there are plenty of Pottery Barn/Starbuck compilations to go around, so every be-banged pop gal should be able to get a piece of the bang-lovin', lo-fi slow tempo lovin' pie!

Jessica Simpson and I Have the Same Taste

2009-01-04T13:40:00.000-08:00

Women are hard on other women. It's a fact. If a lady has too many wrinkles, we wonder why she neglected her face. But if a gal walks around with a frozen Botox mask, we think she is a fake old phony who should be "natural." Too thin? She's bulimic, we just KNOW it, and isn't it sad she has issues with eating? Too big? Oh, she's got a binge eating disorder and she needs help NOW--she is in denial and out of control. Jessica Simpson? Oh she would be NO WHERE is he didn't have large natural boobs and a great dye job. That's why it hurt so badly when I saw some shoes from her "Jessica Simpson" line and I LIKED THEM. I didn't want to! I was at Macy's and I saw a pair of affordable black heels that had a slight platform under the toe--a rip off of Fendi, but quite well done. Cute! I picked up the shoe and low and behold--it was from the Jessica Simpson line. You could have knocked me over with a feather. Of course her merchandise is probably designed by some nice and talented gay fellas, but still...Jessica Simpson and I have the same taste! Next thing you know she'll be collecting mid-century dish ware, vintage terrier pictures and John O'Hara first editions. Give me some space, Simpson. You won round one, but this is not over by a long shot.

Dita Watch 2009: Pilates Power

2009-01-04T13:29:00.000-08:00

Happy new year! Let the above picture of Miss Dita Von Teese be a sartorial inspiration to all of us in 2009. According to dlisted.com, the above pic was snapped of The Divine Miss D while she was on her way to a Pilates class. I wonder what she was thinking on her way out the door...

"Keys to the 1948 Packard? Check. Vintage Danskin leotard? Check...now where did I put my Helena Rubenstein powder puff? I get so GLOWY during Pilates..."

God bless ya, Dita! Love ya as alway!

Bettie Page--Red Lipstick Role Model 4-Ever

2008-12-14T14:20:00.001-08:00

Below is Bettie Page's obituary from the LA Times, written by Louis Sahagun, December 12, 2008:

Bettie Page, the brunette pinup queen with a shoulder-length pageboy hairdo and kitschy bangs whose saucy photos helped usher in the sexual revolution of the 1960s, has died. She was 85.

Bettie Mae Page was born April 22, 1923, in Nashville. She was the oldest girl among Roy and Edna Page's six children. Her father, an auto mechanic, molested all three of his daughters, and Page (like Marilyn Monroe) escaped a bad home through marriage. But by 1948 she had divorced a violent husband and fled to New York City, where she enrolled in acting classes. She was noticed on the beach at Coney Island by New York police officer and amateur photographer Jerry Tibbs, who introduced her to camera clubs. Page quickly became a sought-after model, attracting the attention of Irving Klaw and his sister, Paula, who operated a mail-order business specializing in cheesecake and bondage poses.

Her most professional photographs were taken in 1955 by fashion photographer Bunny Yeager. They included shots of Page nude and frolicking in waves and deep-sea fishing, and a January 1955 Playboy centerfold of her winking under a Santa Claus cap. In an interview 2 1/2 years ago, Hugh Hefner described Page's appeal as "a combination of wholesome innocence and fetish-oriented poses that is at once retro and very modern."

At 35, Page walked away from it all. She quit modeling and moved to Florida, where she married a much younger man whose passions, she later learned, were watching television and eating hamburgers. Page fled from her home in tears after a dispute on New Year's Eve in 1959. Down the street, she noticed a white neon sign over a little white church with its door open.

After quietly taking a seat in the back, she had a born-again experience. Page immersed herself in Bible studies and served as a counselor for the Billy Graham Crusade.

In 1967, she married for a third time. After that marriage ended in divorce 11 years later, Page plunged into a depression marked by violent mood swings. She argued with her landlady and attacked her with a knife. A judge found her innocent by reason of insanity but sentenced her to 10 years in a California mental institution.

She was released in 1992 from Patton State Hospital in San Bernardino County to find that she had unwittingly become a pop-culture icon. A movie titled "The Rocketeer" and the comic book that inspired it contained a Bettie-esque character, triggering a revival, among women as well as men, that continues unabated.

With the help of admirers including Hefner, Page finally began receiving a respectable income for her work.

In an interview published in Playboy magazine in 2007, Page expressed mixed feelings about her achievements. "When I turned my life over to the lord Jesus I was ashamed of having posed in the nude," she said. "But now, most of the money I've got is because I posed in the nude. So I'm not ashamed of it now. But I still don't understand it."

She spent most of her final years in a one-bedroom apartment, reading the Bible, listening to Christian and country tunes, watching westerns on television, catching up on diet and exercise regimens or sometimes perusing secondhand clothing stores.

Occasionally, however, Page was persuaded to visit the Sunset Boulevard penthouse offices of her agents at CMG Worldwide to autograph pinups of herself in the post-World War II years of her prime. The agency controls her image and those of Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana, among others.

During one such event in early 2006, Page needed about 10 minutes to get through the 10 letters of her name. As she pushed her pen over a portrait of her in a negligee with an ecstatic smile, she laughed and said, "My land! Is that supposed to be me? I was never that pretty."

She is survived by her brother Jack Page of Nashville and sister Joyce Wallace of Blairsville, Ga.

40 is the new skanky

2008-12-14T13:53:00.000-08:00

40-year old Jennifer Aniston is featured sans clothing in the new issue of GQ. Well, not ALL the way nude--she uses a neck tie to cover her nipples. Sigh. I am so weary of her "Look at me--I'm foxxxy and fun and 40!" routine. Just look at the desperate smile on that chinny, toffee spray tanned face of hers.

Now days, actresses and models have to stay in tip top buck naked shape FOREVER! Poor Marilyn Monroe probably knew this was the future, and that's why she took the sad way out at age 36. And people wonder why the late Bettie Page was a recluse for the last 40 years. How could she look like a fresh 25 year old forever? Impossible. Page said that she wanted her fans to remember her as she was in the 50's. Not as an older woman. What an old-fashioned sentiment!

All of us 21st century gals know that we must be Playboy photo shoot ready at all times, no matter what our age. Whew. I am glad I have no children. I don't think I could stand the pressure of trying to be a MILF and being foxxxy and fun and 40!

Terriers of The Week--Amusing Companions

2008-11-22T13:34:00.001-08:00

These Yorkshire Terriers come from the 1934 edition of the Hutchinson's Dog Encyclopaedia.

"All Sorts and Sizes - A bevy of little beauties from Lady Edith Windham's renowned Soham Kennels. Hardy, perky, lively and keenly intelligent, Yorkshire Terriers make amusing companionable pets."

These dogs look rabid and a bit mad! Plus, they could use a grooming.

She's THIN--So Why Is Jen a Spinster?

2008-11-21T15:26:00.001-08:00

I know that Jennifer Aniston is not technically a spinster--she is a divorcee--but to me she typifies a new type of single American woman for whom people feel sorry: the thin, rich gal who has money but no man. (see Meg Ryan). It seems like she deserves a Brad Pitt-replacement, right? Because she is blonde and thin and that is hard work! She's earned it.

Aniston is the patron saint of all women who were not born "hot", but became thin and blonde, through sheer will. Her natural curly brown hair has been straightened and honeyed into glossy, golden silk sheets. She reduced her "regular gal" frame down by 30 pounds (a fact always mentioned in Aniston interviews) and she stays trophy wife-thin through intense cardio workouts and cigarette smoking (a character flaw that again, like the 30-pound weight loss, is always mentioned in any Aniston article. Hotness comes at a price). When it comes to clothing, she keeps it classy--Jen is always clad in Armani or Calvin Klein or $250 jeans, a tasteful delicate gold chain around her slender spray-tanned neck. Aniston possesses the "put together yet casual" style that many 30-something business ladies aspire to. Banana Republican-meets-yoga instructor.

But maybe Aniston's personal stylists, trainers and nutritionists took her as far as she could go-- a brief marriage to Brad Pitt and the cover of InStyle. Her appeal--the nice girl from school who really surprised everyone--played itself out, like a 90's sitcom. It was just a matter of time before Pitt would be tempted away by a freaky witchy brunette who promised midnight motorcycle rides, tan-free nudity, African mud hut births and the adoption of multi-culti CHILDREN. That weirdo Angelina! She possesses something that no stylist can source-- a freak flag that flies 24-7. You can't beat the truly strange. You never know what they'll do next! And Pitt, that nice fella from Missouri, was easily enchanted. What's more fun? Eating a Zone Diet delivery meal in Malibu or drinking yak blood in the Sudan?

Being unnaturally thin and blonde is a full time job. There is no vacation. Jen better get herself a man who likes to stay in and use the treadmill. Maybe Jared from Subway? I am not being mean. I am being realistic. She needs a man who understands the struggle.

Dig the squalor

2008-11-18T21:38:00.000-08:00

Above is Edith "Little Edie" Bouvier Beale, pictured at her dilapidated home Grey Gardens in 1972. Dig the squalor. Think Recession-era Kate Spade. Classic, but crazy.

This picture sums up my current fashion mood. I want to wear my vintage fur as I cruise through Oakland, a smear of red lipstick the only sign of life on my pale face. Yeah, I'm tired. But a silk head scarf can hide a multitude of sins! Little Edie is working it, and so will I.

Mrs. Beavers is Back, and so is Lindsay Lohan

2008-11-18T21:23:00.001-08:00

Please excuse my absence. I have been caught up in that "working for money" bull that The Man is always going on about! What a trap. First you get a decent check, then you get some $30 lipstick, then a mortgage and BAM--they gotcha. RIGHT where they want ya. It's a stone cold hassle. Stay free, humans.

But I saw this picture of Lindsay Lohan and I thought, gosh, how cute! This ballerina dress is a lovely shade of blue, and it's sparkly, sassy and just the right short length for a young gal. The tights make the $2000 hooker heels look less lethal and more, well, fun. Lindsay is back to a decent weight--remember her Coke Is It figure?--and I even will excuse her Paris Hilton-tribute hair extensions. Having a gal pal seems to agree with Miss Lohan. Now all she needs to do is divorce her parents and get cast in a John Waters film. In 2009, anything could happen!

Fairy Dust

2008-11-01T14:47:00.001-07:00

In the above shot, Paris Hilton appears to be taking her herpes and hair extensions on a fantastical ride through space and time. In actuality, the image is from a print ad for her fifth fragrance, Fairy Dust, the latest addition to Hilton's fragrance empire.

Paris' new reality show, Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, is now on MTV.

I despise Paris Hilton. It's OK to be an heiress, but please--a celebutante, a writer, a television personality, an actress, a perfumer, a singer and a model, too? That's a bit much. She's just trying to sell me something I don't need.

Hilton's look is Stripper Barbie--synthetic-looking blonde hair extensions, fake tan, sparkly body lotion, blue contact lenses, denim miniskirts, pink high heels. It's trashy camp without any of the Dolly Parton fun. I don't get Hilton's appeal, but as my sixteen year old niece in Iowa said, "I'd love to be Paris Hilton. She does whatever she wants." Yes, there is a freedom and confidence that comes with being of born rich. But I hated it when on "The Simple Life" Hilton worked at a Sonic Burger in Missouri for about 45 minutes and messed up all the orders and stoner laughed her way out the door, glancing back at all the bewildered overweight lifer employees with a look that screamed, "So long, fat losers!" It was mean. So now I'm mean. Push me and I push back, Miss Hilton.

So I loved it when Hilton had to go to jail (for less than two weeks) in 2007. It was probably the first time in her life that she had to do something she didn't want to do. I found that deeply satisfying.

Tidy Huckleberry

2008-10-30T12:07:00.000-07:00

From sfgate.com, 10/29/08:

SF Style Philes: Budget Rock Seven
SFUnzipped takes it to the streets with StylePhiles -- where we talk to real people about how they pull their look together.

Last weekend, the Bay Area's diamond-in-the-rough music extravaganza, Budget Rock Seven, took the stage at Oakland's Stork Club for three solid nights and two hardcore afternoons of ass-kicking old and new school rock and roll. Of course, the rockers were there sporting finery that spanned decades and geography, representing the best of fashion Americana.

Pictured above is Travis Keats Ross, 22, of Oakland, CA, a writer of 'zines and graphic novels and a musician.

"Everything I own has usually been bought for a dollar an article. My favorite is Dollar Thrift store on University in Berkeley. They just have a myriad of awesome, weird stuff. My outfit? Tidy Huckleberry, that's how I describe it. Southern gentleman but transient. Kind of gruff."

Here is Mrs. Beaver's take: I like Travis' old medicine show take on what a grown up looks like. To me this is much more appealing and strange than purple hair and a studded belt. It's cooler to look like a young old person than an old young person, ya know?

Dita Watch--new undies!

2008-10-28T19:05:00.000-07:00

Dita Von Teese has debuted her new Wonderbra lingerie line. The collection was created by Dita herself and includes three different ranges - Multi-Teese, Spot-Teese and Satin-Teese - all inspired by lingerie from the '40s and '50s.

"I am very proud of the lingerie that I’ve created for Wonderbra, because it has all the beautiful detail of sexy, sensual and glamorous lingerie, but the fit is perfect to wear under your everyday clothes," says Dita. "I love it when you can go about your daily business with the knowledge that you have a little secret of your own on underneath. Lingerie shouldn't be something you just put on for your lover; you should do it for you. It's not about seducing men, it's about embracing womanhood."

I love the idea of pretty bras and panties, but I always end up wearing unadorned, serviceable, modestly cut, slightly-expensive black underwear made from "miracle" fiber. Always. I am sort of a modernist in that regard; it's one of my few hi tech joys. So as much as I would love to sport a pretty bra covered with mesh polka dots, I always make sure I am covered up and strapped in. Because you never know when you might have to use your lingerie as rappleing equipment.

Queen of the Country Pickers

2008-10-28T16:15:00.001-07:00

Barbara Mandrell is not dead or anything--I've just been thinking about her. Someone mentioned her the other day and some kid at work responded, "Who's that?" Why, just a super-talented lady country musician who at 59 made the 2007 People Magazine's "100 Most Beautiful" list!

Barbara Mandrell's first number-one hit was 1978's "Sleeping Single in a Double Bed" and immediately followed by "(If Loving You Is Wrong) I Don't Want to Be Right" in early 1979. Later in the year, "I Was Country When Country Wasn't Cool" (her signature song) also reached number one.

Besides singing, Mandrell plays pedal steel guitar, lap steel guitar, accordion, saxophone and banjo. She and her sisters Louise and Irlene started out in show business as the Mandrell Family Band.

In 2007 Time Life released a DVD collection called The Best of Barbara Mandrell and the Mandrell Sisters. The DVDs feature over 40 guest musical performances including Johnny Cash, Alabama, Marty Robbins, Kenny Rogers, Dolly Parton, The Statler Brothers, Ray Charles, John Schneider, Glen Campbell and many more, as well as comedy legends such as Bob Hope, Phyllis Diller and Andy Kaufman.

On November 5, 2007, Mandrell, along with Vince Gill and Rodney Crowell, was awarded a star on Nashville's "Walk of Fame."

Women Eating Food is so Funny!

2008-10-18T09:42:00.001-07:00

This past Thursday I watched the NBC sitcom "Kath and Kim" for the first time. It's a show about a petulant, lazy 20-something daughter who moves back in with her sassy-and-tacky mom. The women are supposed to be physically unattractive, unrealistic about their life skills, and semi-mentally challenged.

The problem is that the characters are not unattractive enough (or dumbly sweet enough) for us to laugh at with any gusto, or identify with on any poignant level. I lacks that "My Name is Earl" element--what's it called...comedy? "Kath and Kim" is supposed to be an outrageous display of women lost in the abyss of their own false-fabulosity--but both of the actresses are too mainstream "attractive" to make me feel sorry for them (it's hard to laugh at/identify with two women who are Hollywood Thin and Fit). Selma Blair (the daughter) looks like a cute indie rock chick. She is slim, has a doll's face, and cuts a fine figure in the "zany" costumes that she flounces around in. Blair eats junk food in every scene, which is supposed to be outrageous--women eating food is so funny! Molly Shannon (the mom) is too Cindy Crawford-McCain for her role, too--she has no muffin top hanging over her pants, wears no garish make up, has no fried blonde permed hair. The whole 23 minutes of the episode I saw was like listening to your thin pal complain about how fat she is.

If I want to laugh at unattractive people, I guess I'll have to tune into "Cops" or "Little Britain". Have you seen it "Little Britain"? Oh it's GOOD!

The Senorita Who Invented Nachos Has Left the Cantina

2008-10-18T09:19:00.000-07:00

Carmen Rocha, the woman who popularized nachos, passed away in Los Angeles on October 9th. She was 77 years old.

Miss Rocha worked as a waitress at El Cholo Mexican restaurant in Los Angeles, CA for almost 40 years. For favorite customers, Rocha would create a special appetizer she brought with her from San Antonio, TX. The dish consisted of layered tortillas with shredded cheese and jalapenos, warmed in the oven. Soon, customers were requesting Rocha's delicious treat on a regular basis. "Nachos" were later put on the menu, and a fatty, carby legend was born.

To quote Michael K from "Dlisted", October 17, 2008: "Nachos are pure perfection. It's one meal in one dish. Most of the time, you don't even need a fork. You just shovel cheese covered chips into your mouthhole. When you're done, you just throw that shit in the trash and wash it down with a giant margarita. Nachos are especially delicious when you're either stoned or wasted. If you don't love nachos, then you need to pack your things into one suitcase and join the mole people in the mountains."

Michael K speaks for me. RIP Miss Rocha!

"100,000 brothers and sisters turning on to being black...telling it like it is!"

2008-10-15T21:19:00.000-07:00

Wattstax is a 1973 documentary film by Mel Stuart that focused on the 1972 Wattstax music festival and the African American community of Watts in Los Angeles.

The concert was held at the Los Angeles Coliseum on August 20, 1972 and organized by Memphis's Stax Records to commemorate the seventh anniversary of the Watts riots. Seen by some as "the Afro-American answer to Woodstock", tickets were sold for only $1.00 each to encourage attendance by locals. Reverend Jesse Jackson's invocation, which included his "I Am - Somebody" poem, was recited in a call and response with the assembled stadium crowd. Interspersed between songs are interviews with comedian Richard Pryor, actor Ted Lange (pre-"Love Boat") and various Watts residents who discuss the black experience in America.

Musicians who performed at the concert are The Dramatics, The Staple Singers, The Emotions, The Bar-Kays, Albert King, Johnnie Taylor, Little Milton, Carla Thomas, Rufus Thomas, Isaac Hayes ("Shaft") and Luther Ingram (of "If Lovin' You is Wrong, I Don't Wanna Be Right" fame).

The music, fashion and crowd excitement in Wattstax is riveting. Prepare yourself to be swept up in a chain-mail vest/hot pants/huge afro/gigantic newsboy cap/no lipsyncing/no stripper-grinding/great playing and singing frenzy. And the interviews with the local citizens would make a great movie on their own.

Mr. Beavers has seen this film 14 times and he gives it 4 stars!

Red Lipstick Role Model #2: Trixie Little

2008-10-15T20:16:00.000-07:00

I choose Trixie Little, a Baltimore burlesque performer, because she seems a bit insane (and I mean that as a compliment)! Wearing red lipstick, aqua eye shadow and a pink cowgirl outfit while mouth-feeding a carrot to a pony? What the hell--she's MY role model. This sort of daffy camp sass is welcome in this troubled world.

http://www.myspace.com/trixielittle

Madonna and Obama, Sittin' In a Tree

2008-10-15T19:53:00.000-07:00

Madonna is divorcing Guy Ritchie. No surprise there; her 10-years younger British hubby always seemed a bit caught in the headlights, or headlock, of Madonna's churn-and-burn "purpose-driven" life.

The rumors are that she is dating the New York Yankee's Alex Rodriguez, but he seems a bit too jocky and boy-toyish for the 50-year old Madonna. My prediction? Madge will bonk Barak Obama. If that fried-haired astrologist/"videographer" Rielle Hunter could get John Edwards to have a baby with her, how hard could it be? Politicians are EASY!

Terrier of the Week--Tuffy

2008-10-15T17:46:00.000-07:00

Now here's a pitbull that I can get behind! Look at 'lil Tuffy. He's small, but he's sturdy and on the alert! And I like his master, Mr. Pennywhistle. Quite a gent in his bowler hat, wouldn't you say?

I think all canine-luvin' playas, ganstas and their requisite hate-ahs should breed this type of gentleman's pit bull. I SAY!

I Personally Believe...

2008-10-05T14:07:00.000-07:00

It's been a year since all the world viewed the clip of Miss Teen South Carolina's meandering, ungrammatical and incoherent answer to a question posed to her during the 2007 Miss Teen USA competition.

Contestant Lauren Caitlin Upton, 18, was asked the following question by pageant judge Aimee Teergarden:

"Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can't locate the United States on a world map. Why do you think this is?"

Miss Upton replied:

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq and everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future for our children."

It seemed so sad and funny at the time. But a year later, staring a recession, a huge government bailout and Sarah Palin in the face, I think I agree. Miss Upton, I don't know what to say, either.

And I may be at the point that I personally believe that I don't care, uh, that, Miss Teen South Carolina is not the sharpest person in South Africa, or, er, the Iraq, but she's really super cute, so, um, it's like I really, really like her okay I guess.

Cowboys Are My Weakness

2008-09-28T10:44:00.000-07:00

Last night, Mother Beavers, Mr. Beavers and myself attended the Professional Bull Riders Invitational held at the Oakland Coliseum. The event, with it's pumping jock jams-meets-southern rock soundtrack and tight Wrangler jeans-wearing crowd, transported me to a place far from the SF Bay Area--it was almost like Obama and veganism did not exist! The night was co-sponsored by the US Border Patrol and Ford trucks, and there was much talk over the PA of "freedoms" and the US flag and ass-kicking. The BBQ was excellent. But let's talk abut the cowboys.

The bull riders are anywhere from 18 to 36 years old. They have names like Colt and Cody and Jared and Pistol--Pistol Robinson is pictured above. Many of the riders come from Texas and Oklahoma, but some are from as far away as Australia, Canada, Brazil (the Brazilians are very tough and are the current leaders). The riders are about 5'8" to 5'11", roughly 150-160 pounds, and they wear tight dirty Wrangler jeans. Their pants are covered in dust because even if you stay on the bull for the 8 second goal, you STILL have to fall off to get away from the 2,000 pound horned beast! I found these cowboys to be refreshingly wholesome looking--not a spray-tanned cheeseball in the bunch. Let's rodeo!

Let an Animal Help You

2008-09-28T10:41:00.001-07:00

I'm going with these two coats for this coming fall/winter. Fur is a fun way to let an animal help you!

RIP Paul Newman

2008-09-28T10:36:00.001-07:00

Tonight, rent Hud or The Hustler or Slapshot and revel in the wonder that was Paul Newman.
No steroids, no fake tan, to veneers. He was even a tad on the short side. But what a man.

The Hoops. The Hair.

2008-09-23T14:18:00.000-07:00

Just because--here is Lene Lovich's "Stateless" album cover. I must say, this look is still a winner--braids, black 40's jacket, and big hoop earrings. Classy and artsy at the same time!

Lene is still rockin' the braids at age 59--and she wears those big head scarves, too. Keep it weird, Lene.

Tina Fey Speaks For Me

2008-09-22T11:08:00.000-07:00

"I want to thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate to my looks and my abilities," Tina Fey said last night, after picking up her Emmy award for best actress in a comedy.

Fey also won best comedy writing and her show "30 Rock" was named best comedy. "30 Rock" star Alec Baldwin earned the best actor in a comedy statue.

I like "30 Rock" because it is not about a borderline mentally-impaired fat man and his bitter-but-accepting hot wife, and it is not a reality show about "making it" in a band/kitchen/diet/relationship/tanning salon. It's just funny!

Does This Woman Look Self-Congratulatory?

2008-09-19T12:39:00.000-07:00

I am a fan of Diane Keaton's fashion sense, and I have written about her before. Keaton is aging gracefully, and since she has always been a fashion iconoclast (menswear, vintage Mexican jewelry, flats, hats, classic white shirts) she doesn't need to make a big personal style change to look great as a 60-year old. Imagine Pamela Anderson and Posh Spice as old ladies...adjustments will certainly need to be made to the foundation, plumbing and wiring.

So it puzzled me when I read Isaac Mizrahi's summary of Keaton's style, in the October 2008 issue of ELLE: " To put yourself together like that comes from great self-examination and complication and and a kind of self-loathing and too much self-congratulation."

Huh?

Let's cut through the psycho-babble: Mizrahi simply does not like Keaton's clothes. That's fine. I know he loves Audrey Hepburn and chic French retro stuff in general. But if a woman is not gamine, a striped sailor t-shirt and capri pants will not work. I think he wants Keaton to be more feminine, maybe? To show cleavage and leg? Not all women are comfortable showing skin. So I guess Coco Chanel and Katherine Hepburn were "self-loathing", too? And to sum up someone's style as being the result of "self-congratulation" is baffling. Keaton wears clothes she enjoys wearing. These clothes are not dowdy or outrageous--slightly retro/Victorian/prairie-fied, but not art wear by any means. Does she seem to be enjoying her look too much? Perhaps she should pout? Maybe Mizrahi was having a bad day because Target will no longer be selling his plastic shoes? Oh yes I did! I went there.

Loosen your bandana, Isaac. It takes all kinds!

Sometimes It's Hard To Be a Woman

2008-09-10T22:17:00.000-07:00

I do not agree with Sarah Palin's politics, but I am fascinated by the controversy she is causing. Women like HER (A caribou-hunting Evangelical Christian Alaskan mother with a French manicure) are supposed to stay the hell home and not get major media attention, let alone run for the second-highest office in the land. She is the gum-chewing, Macy's Charter Club career separates type of gal who should be on "The Real Housewives of Anchorage", right? Wrong. Those of us who took women's studies classes in college must realize one thing--conservative though she may be, many voters agree with Palin! Total spit take, I know...

Palin is pro-life, and that stand is against the feminist party line. From the women I know, this pro-life stance is the main argument I hear against her. Gloria Steinem believes that Palin is a tool of the "right-wing patriarchs." But in a world where mainstream feminists almost unanimously backed Bill Clinton during both the Paula Jones AND Monica Lewinsky scandals and now excoriate McCain for choosing Palin, I'm not totally clear on what feminism means--is it mainly being pro-choice? Or is it simply being a supporter of the Democratic Party? The fact is that women ARE divided on abortion; a May Gallup poll found that 50% of American women are pro-choice, while 43% are pro-life -- roughly the same percentages as men.

But let's not fool ourselves and over think this. It comes down to this impression: to many of us, Sarah Palin is tacky and embarrassing and not a "good female role model". Why? She's from the country, her husband sports a goatee, she has FIVE KIDS, including a pregnant teenage daughter and an infant with Downs Syndrome. AND SHE IS A REPUBLICAN. This is not progressive, liberal artsy, or cool on any level, not even on an ironic level. Palin simply does not fit the accepted liberal Democratic idea of what a successful woman should be. But Hillary Clinton DOES fit that description, and look where it got HER in this election...

Palin has her work cut out for her, that's for sure. Her looks, religious beliefs and mothering skills will be criticized as much as her politics. I don't envy her, I won't vote for her, but she is making the race more interesting. And I like that, even though I don't care for her fleece zip up jacket.

Your Love Is King

2008-09-09T21:00:00.000-07:00

I have never walked into the Walgreen's at Sansome and Bush in San Francisco and NOT heard the smooth, sultry sounds of Sade's "Your Love is King". It makes me wanna buy a gallon of chablis and call it a day. And that's no good when all that is standing between me and a solid afternoon of work is sinus headache pills, a banana, and this month's Vogue.

I have a few alternate songs suggestions for the good folks at Walgreen's Music Programming:
"I'm Walkin' on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves
"The Break Up Song" by Greg Kihn
Anything by Yoko Ono

Just crank me up, Walgreen's--don't slow me down!

Alabama Jubilee

2008-09-03T14:05:00.000-07:00

Jerry Reed, the jovial singer/guitarist who became a good ol' boy actor in car chase movies like "Smokey and the Bandit," has died of complications from emphysema at 71. I believe that Reed was the inspiration for the early 2000's trucker hat revival. Just look at those pix above--every hipster from Brooklyn to Oakland looks like him! Reed was a country jester, the good ol boy who wasn't quite as dumb than he looked. I'll miss his easy style. Reed has no replacement in the current Young Country movement.

As a singer in the 1970s, Reed had a string of hits that included "Amos Moses," "When You're Hot, You're Hot," "East Bound and Down" and "The Bird." But my favorite is the wacky, musical note-packed "Alabama Jubilee".

In the mid-1970s, he began acting in movies such as "Smokey and the Bandit" with Burt Reynolds, usually as a good ol' boy. Reed said, "When people ask me what my (acting) motivation is, I have a simple answer: Money."

Born in Atlanta, Reed learned to play guitar at age 8 when his mother bought him a $2 guitar and showed him how to play a G-chord. At 17 he dropped out of high school to tour with Ernest Tubb and Faron Young.

He first established himself as a songwriter when Elvis Presley recorded two of his songs, "U.S. Male" and "Guitar Man" (both in 1968). He also wrote the hit "A Thing Called Love," which was recorded in 1972 by Johnny Cash. He also wrote songs for Brenda Lee, Tom Jones, Dean Martin, Nat King Cole and the Oak Ridge Boys. Reed was voted instrumentalist of the year in 1970 by the Country Music Association. He won a Grammy Award for "When You're Hot, You're Hot" in 1971. A year earlier, he shared a Grammy with Chet Atkins for their collaboration, "Me and Jerry." In 1992, Atkins and Reed won a Grammy for "Sneakin' Around." Reed continued performing on the road into the late 1990s, doing about 80 shows a year.

Adios, Jerry, and I hope your are Heaven Bound and Down!

Red lipstick role model #1

2008-09-02T15:06:00.000-07:00

I had the good fortune to meet Miss Bernie Dexter this past weekend. She is a model, retro lifestyle entrepreneur and all-around gorgeous gal. Funny, pretty, smart and sassy, Bernie is a lovely young lady. http://www.berniedexter.com/index.html

Bernie Dexter is September's red lipstick role model!

All That Glitters

2008-09-02T14:58:00.001-07:00

From Lady A in SF CA!

Madge vs. Sally O'Malley

2008-08-27T09:11:00.001-07:00

They're both FIFTY!

Happy Birthday Tom

2008-08-27T09:01:00.001-07:00

Tom Ford is 47 years old today. I'll wear expensive sunglasses indoors and drink a vodka with diet tonic in his honor.

Posh's stilted, robot-like pose

2008-08-20T17:59:00.001-07:00

Dita Von Teese, Claudia Schiffer and Victoria "Posh" Beckham in the front row at Roland Mouret's spring/summer 08 show, from last January. Old pic, I know, but the image of this trio delights me for some reason.

Dita is so white and her lips are so red and her sunglasses are so dark--she is Snow White after cataract surgery. ODDLY FLAWLESS.

Claudia is wearing the shoes and tights she bought during first season of "Friends"--1994 all the way. The pale sweater, leopard belt and knit skirt look very nineties--not fun retro but ironic admin assistant retro. It's too soon for that!

Posh is tanorexic and stilted and just so damn robotic. It's funny, right?

Do you think they went out together for dinner after the show?

Terrier of the Week--Mr. Tuck

2008-08-20T17:49:00.000-07:00

Mr. Tuck has got it all figured out. He says, "I'll sleep here in the warm car while Mary Janet and Dick Potter go into the boring party. Then I'll sit on Mary Janet's lap on the way home, and eat the meatballs she snuck out in the pocket of her fur coat."

The French First Lady...

2008-08-18T15:57:00.000-07:00

...a female Olympic show jumper and a Dorothy Gray lipstick model are my influences for Fall 2008!

I can't wait arrival of autumn, even though it's a month away. Maybe it's because I loved junior high and it was exciting to go to JC Penney and get fake Weejuns for my back-to-school wardrobe. Fall was not almost the end of the year--it was a fresh start. New clothes, new classes, new look.

The ladies above are just a slight riff on my current look, but I think I will ramp up the red lips and really get back to that matte 50's crimson kiss. Also, I'll get some (more) riding-influenced boots and dye my coif back to that Carla Bruni brown. I've been experimenting with a lighter shade and it's a slippery slope--the first salon bleaching session leaves you looking "refreshed" but after a year of "highlights" it's all Anna Nicole Smith's Sad Final Days.

Children Can Be So Cruel

2008-08-18T13:58:00.001-07:00

Michael Phelps has been the talk of the water cooler for weeks. Now that his Olympic record has been secured, there was a bit of a summing up about him this morning in the office kitchen.

"What an inspirational guy!" exclaimed Joan, the office mother figure. "Plus, his mom is so cute!"

Just then a 23-year old junior art director shouted from her cube, "Michael Phelps is a butter face. He's TIRED. Plus, he has no ass."

So I guess working hard and succeeding in your chosen field does not outweigh not having the face/ass of a male model. OK, I'm clear now, thanks kids! Looks are the only thing that counts! So don't get all uppity with your WINNING, Mike. Cuz you UGLY.

Children can be so cruel.

And last week my pal told me about how her super skinny 6' 9" male friend will not date a woman who is 15 pounds overweight, even though he likes her personality and face. Dude--you look like Ichabod CRANE. Bend a little.

The problem with kids these days is that they all think they deserve "the best." I think they deserve a swift kick in the ass.

Dirty Harry

2008-08-11T13:39:00.000-07:00

Last night, Mr. Beavers and I watched Dirty Harry. Filmed in 1971, it's a sharp, dark look at one cop's rage against The System.

Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood in the role that would make him a huge star) is a San Francisco cop who gets handed all of the department's dirty jobs. Harry is an tough, unyielding, street-wise inspector in a city overrun with crime and sexuality (e.g., the Columbus Street red-light district, and other deviant lifestyles displayed in the film). He follows his own philosophy of justice using excessive force, ruthless methods, and "the end justifies the means" principle with no regard for police department rules and regulations. Harry is as vicious and violent as the criminals he opposes--we never see him as a "normal" man. He has no love interests, no visible self-doubt, no personal issues while off duty. We barely even see him off duty. He is a law and order machine.

San Francisco in 1971 was ready for stardom itself. The West Coast love-in scene and the gay 'boom' raised awareness of San Francisco as an exciting liberal city with a photogenic skyline. The film's funky score by Lalo Schifrin spawned numerous imitators. But Harry is anti-hip, though he does have a great "The Dry Look" haircut and expensive slacks. He wants to right wrongs, the old-fashioned way--with a huge gun.

Dirty Harry is mainly about the rights of victims vs. the rights of "sickos". It's a stand against new judicial trends that let criminals get away, literally, with murder. At the same time, the audience is encouraged to identify with the violent vigilante 'killer' on the side of the law--Harry! Mind-blower, huh? But once you get a load of the psycho losing it while he hijacks a bus load of school kids, you have no problem with Harry's violent response--enough is enough! Somebody had to do something.

My Favorite Movie...

2008-08-11T13:31:00.001-07:00

...when I was 25 was "Jules and Jim". Now it's "Mr. Woodcock", which stars Billy Bob Thorton as a sadistic Nebraska gym teacher, and Seann William Scott (above) as a self-help writer who can't shake the memories of phys ed torture. I don't know what's happened to me. I used to read the New Yorker, too, until about a month ago, and now I can't stand it. Is this dementia? Perimenopause? Election year brain fatigue?

You know what else just cracks me up? Anytime a group of men are referred to as "ladies." That's hilarious!

Black Moses

2008-08-11T11:53:00.000-07:00

This past we weekend we lost not only Bernie Mac but ISAAC HAYES, aka Black Moses. Lord, do not make it a trifecta--please do not take Tracy Morgan! And I pray Morgan Freeman is in the clear, too. He has a lot of voiceovers and firm-but-fair old man roles left in him.

Issac Hayes began his recording career in the early 1960s, as a session player/writer for various acts of the Memphis-based Stax Records. He wrote a string of hit songs with songwriting partner David Porter, including "Soul Man", "When Something Is Wrong with My Baby", and "Hold On I'm Comin" for Sam and Dave. Hayes, Porter and Stax studio band Booker T. & the MGs served as the main production team for much of the label's output during the early and mid-1960s.

"Hot Buttered Soul" was the most successful of Hayes' releases as a solo artist. This album is noted for Hayes' image (shaved head, gold jewelry, sun glasses, etc) and his distinct sound (extended orchestral songs, heavy on organs, horns, and guitars, deep bass vocals, etc). Also on the album, Hayes re-interprets "Walk On By" (which had been made famous by Dionne Warwick) into a twelve-minute exploration. "By the Time I Get to Phoenix" starts with an eight-minute long monologue before breaking into song, and the lone original number, the funky "Hyperbolicsyllabicsesquedalymistic" runs nearly ten minutes, a significant break from the standard three minute soul/pop songs.

"Walk On By" would be the first of many times Hayes would take a Burt Bacharach standard, generally made famous as three minute pop songs by Dionne Warwick or Dusty Springfield, and transform it into an soulful, lengthy and almost gospel number.

In early 1971, Hayes composed music for the soundtrack of the blaxploitation film "Shaft". The title theme, with its wah-wah guitar and multi-layered symphonic arrangement, would become a worldwide hit single, and spent two weeks at number one in the Billboard Hot 100 in November. The remainder of the album was mostly instrumentals covering big beat jazz, bluesy funk, and hard Stax-styled soul. The other two vocal songs, the social commentary "Soulville" and the nineteen-minute jam "Do Your Thing," would be edited down to hit singles. Hayes won an Academy Award for Best Original Song for the "Theme from Shaft," and was nominated for Best Original Dramatic Score for the film's score.

Later in the year, Hayes released a double album, "Black Moses", that expanded on his earlier sounds and featured The Jackson 5's song "Never Can Say Goodbye".

During the late-1990s, Hayes became popular as the voice of Chef on the Comedy Central series South Park. Chef was a soul-singing cafeteria worker at the South Park kids' school. A song from the series performed by Chef, "Chocolate Salty Balls (P.S. I Love You)", received some international radio airplay in 1999. It reached number-one on the UK singles chart and also on the Irish singles chart. The track also appeared on the album Chef Aid: The South Park Album in 1998.

I Finally Fell for Mad Men

2008-08-02T13:10:00.001-07:00

"There were seven deadly sins practiced at the dawn of the 1960s: smoking, drinking, adultery, sexism, homophobia, anti-Semitism and racism ... Mad Men on AMC taps into all of them."

- The New York Times

Mad Men, which returns to AMC for its second season, is set in the sleek world of advertising in 1960s New York. It's won a Peabody Award, two Golden Globes and it just swept the Emmy nominations. But let's be honest. Mad Men's real feat is being the most stylish fantasy on TV today. I want to live in a world were no one goes to the gym at lunch, employees drink alcohol on the job, and everyone on staff leaves the office at 4:30 to go dance and drink at a bar. All while wearing red lipstick and stiletto pumps.

I was slow to hop on the Mad Men bandwagon, because the show had been so widely hyped. But all it took was one episode to draw me into its existential web--I think of it as "Kung Fu" set in an 1960's ad agency. Who is Don Draper? Is he all of us? Does it matter? And what about Pete Campbell (pictured above)? Does he want power, or his father's love? Dude, my mind is blown! And look at those sets and costumes!

But of course the birth of the cool is overshadowed by the last vestiges of old-world old-boyism: there is all that sexism, racism and homophobia to contend with. But hey--let's have cocktails! Lots of them! Because the Civil Rights Act, Ms. magazine and Stonewall are just around the corner! And before you know it, the office bar cart will be replaced with a microwave. So we know it all works out OK in the end.

A "Real Talk" Hero--Alexyss K. Tylor: second in a series

2008-08-01T19:16:00.000-07:00

Alexyss K. Tylor is an Atlanta, GA-based talk show host and lecturer. She's an ass-kicking, straight-talking African-American Dr. Ruth! Miss Tylor teaches women about "Spiritual Sexuality" and "Pussy Integrity", and says "we can't blame men for wanting to get theirs. But we have the Power to change things. We must stand in Vagina Power!" Essentially she wants women to stop "giving out pussy like it government cheese" and get some self-respect. Type in her name on You Tube and you will never regret it.

kickerhttp://vaginapower.ning.com/

"Hips, Lips and Finger Tips" vs. "No Gag Reflex"

2008-07-27T15:53:00.001-07:00

In 1979 I played on a girls YMCA softball team. Tom Arnold was my coach. Yes, that Tom Arnold, but that is another story for another blog. At practice, us gals usually wore plain t shirts or tank tops and Levis, Plain Pockets or CHIC jeans. But one afternoon a girl named Julie Thomas wore a novelty T shirt that blew the team's collective mind--across the bust the shirt read "Hips, Lips and Fingertips" in rainbow colored, sparkling cursive script. I was 14 or so, but I got the message--Julie was trying to tell the world that she was sexx-AY. Whatever that meant. But I had an idea.

Last night Mr Beavers, Romeo and I ate dinner at Mexicali Rose, Oakland's oldest Mexican restaurant. While we were having a drink at the bar, in sashayed a curvaceous young lady. She wore painted on jeans, sky high heels, and skin tight t shirt that read "No Gag Reflex". Well. That's putting the goods in the window, I guess. It makes "Hips, Lips and Fingertips" seems positively Victorian!

Don't Get Too Close to My Fantasy

2008-07-22T15:15:00.000-07:00

I used to love Elvis Costello. I spent a lot of time in the mid-80's listening to "Get Happy, "My Aim is True", "This Year's Model", "Armed Forces" and "Imperial Bedroom". Then came "King of America" and "Punch the Clock" and "Goodbye Cruel World" and "Spike" and "The Juliet Letters"...you know. Elvis and I just sort of...drifted apart. No, now that's a lie. We broke up. Because his raucous rock pop anger turned into faux romantic moody musing, and I felt abandoned! He became, oddly, both harsher AND smoother...and it was just NO FUN. Fine. We split.

But then he got too close to my fantasy.

I love Burt Bacharach and Hal David's songs. Their music takes me to a place where I have never been, but have always wanted to go. I was too young to drink cocktails beneath the twinkling lights of the Sophisticated City, circa 1969. Not the hippy 60's--the Angie Dickenson 60's! That's my little fantasy world, and Bacharach is the soundtrack.

But Elvis got to Burt. In 1996 Elvis wrote and recorded a single, "God Give Me Strength", with Bacharach. Costello made the tune overly strident and robbed it of Bacharach's signature charm--making a song sound easy to sing. Elvis huffed and puffed his way throughout the melody, and sounded strained. In 1998 they teamed up again to record a full CD, "Painted From Memory". Not such a great idea. Artsy angst does not a perfect pop moment make. Burt added his patented Strings and Things, but the songs sound like a bunch of sonically polished-yet-pointless exercises in free verse. Bacharach's elegant, double-edged whimsy (I'm having fun!/I'm feeling bad!) is lost lost lost when you add Elvis' achey breaky bray and roundabout lyrics. Bacharach and David made it all so effortless, such poignant, bittersweet fun. Elvis made it a grad school thesis, and no thanks!

Elvis--step away from my fantasy, OK? NO more.

A "Real Talk" Hero--Simon Doonan: First in a Series

2008-07-20T12:39:00.002-07:00

What is "Real Talk"? It's a sort of "Straight Talk Express" idea inspired by R Kelly's outrageous spoke word/slow jam entitled Real Talk. The "song" is 3 minutes of a man confronting his woman in a, ahem, frank manner. That's the clean version. But the idea behind the song intrigues me, and I want to honor those individuals who get to the bottom of a situation and let 'er rip!

So who is Simon Doonan? This Brit is the fifty-something Creative Director of Barneys New York, a New York Observer columnist, and author of Eccentric Glamour: Creating an Insanely More Fabulous You.
He also guests on TV's "America's Next Top Model" and told one of the girls that she looked like a hooker. Doonan is a "Real Talk" hero! Below are his views on our increasingly youth-based culture:

"Back when I was a spotty-faced youth, it was the grown-ups who got all the respect: the attention and the jewelry and the shags and the sparkling champers. Adults were—I know it’s hard to imagine—at the center stage of the cultural drama. Sure, there were pop tarts and gangly layabouts, but nobody listened to them or took them too seriously. No cultural figure—no artist or politician or window-dresser or ventriloquist—was given any props until he/she hit 40. And now, as my dotage looms, the entire system has switched around: I am now a 50-year-old fart drifting vacantly across a hideously youth-skewed landscape, where the autobiographical musings of former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham are read with breathy reverence and middle-aged people have become virtually invisible—give or take a John Guare play or two. It’s simply not fair! Today, the world is focused on juvenile B-celebs, strippers and rappers. Trendy New York nightlife no longer welcomes those scene-making wrinklies of yore—the Capotes and Halstons and Vreelands and Martha Grahams. Nobody will pay us any attention ever again unless we happen to live long enough to hear Willard Scott yodeling our name."

"Cougars Are Overrated" and Other Observations

2008-07-14T16:14:00.001-07:00

The stuff you see and hear at an Oakland A's game!

Yesterday Mr. Beavers and I witnessed our home team lose a sad one to the Angels. Sigh. It's hard to see the A's blow the lead in the ninth inning. But the eavesdropping/eye candy at the Coliseum sure was good!

It began with the PA system pumping out a distorted, speaker-blowing version of Parliament's "Give Up the Funk (Tear the Roof off the Sucker)". As soon as the song began, a 5-year Latin old girl, as cute as a little doll, jumped from her seat, grabbed the nearest hand railing, and began thrusting her child pelvis in time with the music, giving it all she had, the world's youngest pole dancer. The sprite really knew how to bump and grind, expertly mimicking the moves she had undoubtedly seen in some video/dance-based reality show. An older sister grabbed the tiny dancer's arm and pulled her back into her seat. "Everybody's LOOKIN'!" stage whispered the horrified sibling. I actually blushed.

I then turned my voyeuristic attentions to a conversation being conducted by a group of 20-something white men. The take-away quotes were, "Dude--fucking yoga does not give you killer fucking abs!" and "Cougars are overrated". Noted, gentlemen!

I then decided to scan the crowd for interesting novelty T shirts. The best of the lot? Shirt #1--a teenage Asian gal in a pink tee that featured an image of a pair of flexed biceps with a headline that read "I Hope There's a Vet Here Cuz These Puppies Are Sick". Shirt #2--a big white boy in a grey XXXL tee that proclaimed "Big Trucks and Huntin' Bucks--That's How I Roll". Indeed.

Terrier of the Week--a 60's Aussie

2008-07-12T17:21:00.000-07:00

Two gals, one pup.

I think the pooch is an Australian terrier!

Notice how these women are out with the dog, but they are NOT wearing imitation Juicy Couture sweats. These ladies look fine--they know that being clean and neat is the most important thing in the world. Dig the popped collar on the right--this detail adds a bit of flair to any ensemble.

Being Clean and Neat is the Most Important Thing in the World

2008-07-09T21:32:00.000-07:00

In 1977 I spent the night at Chris Carroll's house. In my preteen opinion, the Carrolls were rich--they had a Lincoln Continental with quadraphonic sound, and a playhouse in the backyard that was a miniature replica of their actual home. They also had three televisions, which was the real mindblower.

I remember Chris and I sitting in a vast living room, watching a women's tennis match on the biggest TV, while Chris' mom sat in the kitchen, reading Redbook; the tennis match was between Chris Evert and some very young, very tall, very masculine gal from the Eastern Bloc.

"Gosh--that one tall girl is UG-LY!" exclaimed Chris.

Mrs. Carroll ran in from the kitchen and exclaimed, "Christine Carroll! That was unkind! Looks DO NOT matter. Being CLEAN and NEAT is the most important thing in the world, not LOOKS."

Even though I was a kid, I knew Mrs. Carroll was full of it.

Love Yourself Less--A Very Special I Am Mrs. Beavers

2008-07-09T21:20:00.000-07:00

Today while reading the SF Bay Guardian it struck me how many ads there are for vibrators. Gals-- get out there and have interaction (sexual or otherwise) with other humans! Don't stay inside with your toys! You'll go blind! Plus you don't need some fancy device. That's just somebody trying to sell you soap that you don't need. I know--I work in advertising. You know what? Men are great sex toys! As are hands. I know, this is very frank talk here, but I want to make sure that we don't let technology replace humanity, OK?

You can also make a nice body scrub from regular sugar and olive oil. Why pay more?

A-Rod and the She-Males

2008-07-05T15:10:00.000-07:00

Since I got back from Belgium, I have been trying to catch up on the news. Yes, I know I could have kept abreast of world events via the Internet, but for three weeks I attempted to stay away from computers and cellphones. This tech/info detox was very relaxing, but now that I am home I am back to my old, stress-inducing tricks. Why do I carry a device that allows people to contact me AT ANY TIME? I'm not sure...the last time I checked I was not a brain surgeon or the President of the United States. So why do I need a phone in my purse?

I get my general news from the SF Chronicle and my gossip from dlisted.com. I don't consider dlisted to be trashy--I think of this blog as a pop culture cocktail, iced, shaken and strained through the wacky mind of Michael K, the world's snappiest gay party boy writer. It was on dlisted that I learned that NY Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez (aka A-Rod) had left his wife Cynthia (pictured above IN A FOUNTAIN), and had run to the muscular arms of his Kabbalah mentor, Madonna. A-Rod must like his ladies on the ripped side, because Cynthia has the physique of a female body builder! Popping biceps and quads, rippled abs, zero-fat breasts inflated with medium-sized implants...now that's a mother-of-two who watches her carb intake.

But Alex needed more...muscle, that is. Last year A-Rod was caught messing around with Joslyn Morse, a Toronto-based stripper originally from (gulp) Iowa (middle picture above). Look at HER arms and thighs! Jeez--that Jill is JACKED!

And now A-Rod has moved onto Madonna, whose current "reinvention" seems to take the form of the world's oldest and best -preserved lady gym teacher. According to dlisted, "A friend of C-Hulk (Cynthia) claims she found a letter from A-Rod to Vadge (Madonna) where he calls her his true soul mate. Yeah, because both can probably bench press a Mormon family." I heart you, Michael K!

I wish A-Rod the best of luck in both his religious and romantic endeavors. May he and Madge arm wrestle, do crunches and drink protein shakes in complete happiness. But Madonna better watch it--I'm sure the she-males from American Gladiators are waiting in the wings. And A-Rod is watching!

Happy 4th of July

2008-07-04T11:48:00.001-07:00

Happy Independence Day! To quote a song from Robert Altman's movie Nashville, "We must be doin' somethin' right/to last 200 years!"

The 4th of July is fraught with expectations of summer fun that never quite materialize. My pal Anne remembers her mother walking out into the humid gloom of suburban 70's Pennsylvania Independence Day evening, lighting a single sparkler, and announcing, "Well, summer is over," then returning to the den and her glass of chablis. Take that, "American Beauty"!

My pal Lisa, a Texan, spent every summer in Memphis, TN with her grandparents. Upon retirement, Lisa's grandfather took to his bed, and he would rise but once a year--on July 4th--to make BBQ and chocolate cake. After the day's fireworks ended, Grandpa would return to bed for another 364 days.

I remember being a kid in 1976, and watching fireworks on the banks of the Des Moines River, and thinking, "Is this IT? THIS is the Bicentennial Celebration?"

But today I will try to be merry and make this a special day. Mr. Beavers and I are going to a BBQ. I will bring pie and I will wear red, white and blue and maybe even wave a mini American flag. I still want Independence Day to be the pinnacle of a fun-filled, Beach Boy-like summer. Even though I like Columbus Day better, because autumn clothes are more flattering.

Why Don't I Rename the Blog "I Heart Dita"?

2008-06-30T14:36:00.000-07:00

OK, OK--now that I'm back from the Benelux I've been busy making a quick buck and the stress is getting to me. My thoughts are scattered and my nerves are shattered. But then I see Dita--lovely, lady-like Dita! This gal knows how to dress for lunch, ladies! I wish she would have grabbed me a sandwich while she was out, cuz I am stuck in front of a computer and I could use something besides a Zone Perfect nutrition bar.

Nice outfit, Miz Von Teese. You go to the head of the line.

Terrier of the Week--Miss Lady Liddee Alice

2008-06-26T10:52:00.000-07:00

Here is a Welsh terrier named Miss Lady Liddee Alice! She lines in Reno, NV. Such a pretty face!

I Am Big in Belgium

2008-06-26T10:41:00.000-07:00

And now that I am back home, I am also big in the USA. BIG because all I did for the past 3 weeks was eat frites (french fries) with mayonnaise and drink beer!

Belgium is a lovely place. It is flat and neat, reserved but courteous. Belgians are the Iowans of Europe. The Netherlands was a bit spiffier, but just as pleasant. The Dutch are a tall race, and fit from riding around on their tall bicycles. Both the Belgians and the Dutch are multi-lingual and can slip into French, Dutch, Flemish (a type of Dutch), and English with ease. Thank God I could say "frites." And since "beer" and "coffee" sound pretty much the same in any language, I was set!

Check back on June 24!

2008-06-03T18:56:00.000-07:00

Friends,

Mr. Beavers and I are off to the Benelux nations for a bit of business. Check back on June 24!
While I'm away, read the following:
Good Scares (http://goodscares.blogspot.com)
DListed (http://dlisted.com)
Crunk + Disorderly (http://www.crunktastical.net)
The Life of Wembley (thelifeofwembley.blogspot.com)
A Continuous Lean (http://acontinuouslean.com)

And read your local newspaper!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Beavers

Lookin' Good, Ty Ty!

2008-05-30T14:36:00.001-07:00

Tyra Banks catches a lot of flack for being "crazy". I don't view her that way. I think she is funny and game. Her zany sociological experiments (she wore a fat suit to document weight prejudice, she posed as a make up-free homeless woman to report on street life) are widely scoffed, but hell, the lady runs a camp for poor kids--how much crap does she deserve?

Queen Oprah reigns from her couch/throne, increasingly aloof despite her benevolence. But Tyra is out there in the trenches, wearing a fat suit, running around on the streets in flesh-colored underwear, telling her detractors to shut up.

I love this photo! Big smooth hair, hourglass dress, classy black and white shot--LOVE it, Ty Ty!

Th Most Beautiful Shoes in the World

2008-05-30T14:17:00.001-07:00

No, not these shoes. But close.

In 1970, a woman and her daughter moved next door to my family. The woman was a DIVORCED secretary in her 20's. She wore her hair in a poufy flip, had peachy frosted lips, and donned printed shift dresses and high heels. My dad wore western shirts, overalls or Levis seven days a week, and my mom wore a white nurse's uniform to work, and polyester slacks and blouses on her days off. Comparatively, the new lady neighbor was the most glamorous human I had ever seen.

I have a distinct memory of toddling over to our new neighbor, bending down, and stroking her orange patent leather pumps with my chubby little hand. My mother told me to stop but I couldn't--I was mesmerized by the smooth, shiny bright leather. The woman smiled at me. A shoe fetishist was born, right there in Iowa.

I have a lot of shoes. I don't really want to say how many. And I shoe shop for other people. It's a way for me to mask my mania under the guise of being "helpful".

The Pussy-fication of America

2008-05-23T10:25:00.000-07:00

Warning: this entry contains strong language and half-baked commentary on contemporary American culture.

The seventh season of American Idol ended two nights ago, and not a moment too soon for Mr. and Mrs. Beavers. We do not watch the show on a regular basis--we have endured it maybe four times--but we did tune in to find out who won the 2008 prize.

The two finalists, David A and David C, have the look a couple of mildly-retarded suburban boys who would fight to the death over a Hot Pocket. THOSE GUYS were the best of the lot? They have the collective charisma of Jon Cryer, and not the young Jon Cryer of Pretty in Pink. The older, half-creepy Two and a Half Men Jon Cryer.

After David C won, he feigned both humble and cocky shock (a tough move to pull off, but he did it), then blubbered and launched into an out of tune version of "The Time of My Life", while the crowd lost their collective shit, as if the Messiah himself had come back to share the good news with his chosen people. We are starved for real stars in America, and willing to accept substitutes. But Elvis has left the building, never to return. So we rawk out to David C.

The audacity of the judges floor me, every time: Randy Jackson, proof that most whites believe that any African-American who calls people "dawg" must be sincere and wise; Paula Abdul--stoned to the bone on pills and babbling about how "there are no losers in life"...Simon Cowell--evidence that any Englishman with a half-way decent rap can snow all of America and make a mint off of Euro-cheese...

"This show SUCKS!" shouted Mr. Beavers. "It's awful. Those boys...Jesus...they represent the pussy-fication of America."

"Yes, I know," I said as I stroked his strong arm. "I know."

Wearing tweed at the beach...

2008-05-22T17:09:00.000-07:00

...is not such a bad look. You know how it can get cold near the water after awhile, and there you are in your wet swim suit, and the car is parked far away and you are SO hungry? This couple is taking no chances.

Plus they brought their terrier, so I love the whole thing!

She took a poncho and made it tight!

2008-05-22T17:03:00.000-07:00

I do not know this senorita, but I admire the fact that she took a poncho and fashioned it into a swimsuit! That's ingenuity! No 3000 mile wall at the border can stop THIS type of progress and determination!

Girls In Summer Dresses

2008-05-21T13:38:00.001-07:00

Last week we experienced a brief heat wave in San Francisco. Hot weather is always a shock here in the Bay Area, and the population could speak of nothing else.

Fog and chilly winds suit the Bay Area closet. Where else can you don hand knitted scarves, fleece hoodies, sports leggings and black clogs for 11 months out of the year? But 90 degree temperatures forced a clothing change. Ladies actually busted out dresses! And dainty shoes with little heels! I had to take off my knee high boots and rock some Chi Mihara sandals.

All the summer dresses infused the City with a holiday spirit. Gals ate lunch outside, in groups. Guys walked by and smiled. After 6 pm, the downtown bar patrons spilled out into the alleys, laughing and drinking beer. It was like a vacation! A vacation from FOG.

Now it's 62 degrees again and I am back in my boots. That's OK--I only have a few summer dresses anyway.

P.S.--I like how the terrier in this pic refused to be photographed.

I Know I am a Broken Record

2008-05-19T14:16:00.000-07:00

I know that I am obsessed with Dita Von Teese and Shauna Sand. I just never get tired of comparing them.

Thursday Nite Tacos

2008-05-16T10:37:00.000-07:00

Thursday night, 11 pm. Oakland, California. The corner of East 14th Street (aka International Blvd.) and High Street.

It's an unseasonably warm night, and there is a long line in front of the Gordo taco truck (our pal Romeo swears it is the best taco wagon in the Bay Area, and he has a lot of late-night-post-drinking snack experience). As soon as Mr. Beavers and I approach the queue, a neighborhood mendicant springs toward us, shouting, "It's a movie star! It's SUPERMAN!" Mr. Beavers and I laugh, and the other patrons grin uncomfortably. "No--NO!" shouts the toothless man, "It's a movie star! He got it ALL! With Lois Lane! Lois Lane got GAME! Tell her she beautiful, Superman!"

"You're beautiful, Lois Lane" says Mr. Beavers.
"Thank you" I reply.

The man then starts a free verse rap--"Lois Lane got game/it's an episode/it's an episode/it's all about the money".

A cook inside the taco truck tells the man to be quite, and the street guy angrily shouts back "Just COOK, ya'll! Just COOK!"

Then he turns to Mr. Beavers and demands "Buy me a BURRITO, Superman!" So we order some carne asada tacos and a carnitas burrito, and an extra carne asada burrito for our pushy admirer.

More patrons arrive and line up. A hard-looking white couple sidle up to the order window; the woman, dressed in long basketball shorts and a wife beater, seems agitated and suspicious and speedy. Her man is short and mustachioed and is dressed like a biker dude from 1968. A bombed out yellow 1970's Cadillac full of Latino boys drives by, and one kid screams nonsense at the taco crowd. The white woman turns to her man and says, "Somebody's gonna drop those fuckin' punks. Might be me."

When our order is finally ready, we hand off the burrito to the street guy--he can't believe his good fortune. "Do you want a bite, Superman? We can share it!"

"No, it's yours" answers Mr. Beavers as we walk away.

My carne asada taco was the the best I have ever eaten. It was salty and savory and the meat had a bit of a charred crunch. The fresh lime wedge, radish slices, cilantro and onions provided the perfect accent to the slightly greasy corn tortilla and meat. I want another one right now.

Miley is Too Young to Be a Sexxxy Lady

2008-05-15T17:01:00.001-07:00

Above is Miley Cyrus, teen pop sensation and star of the Disney Channel's Hannah Montana. She is 15. Too young for sequins and hooker heels! That dress is so Neiman Marcus sales rack, cut off at mid-thigh. With the spray tan and semi-trashy heels, she looks like a little girl wearing Nicollette Sheridan's modified cast-offs.

Also above in Rihanna, the 20-year old Barbadian singer. Now she's like a lovely cocoa alien Liza Minelli! Dig the pixie hair cut, lace hot pants jump suit, and the sexxxy ankle strap shoes. And I LOVE the fact that her legs are not sticks.

You can dress like a woman when you are 20, Miss Cyrus! Don't be in a rush to grow up.