Friday, May 23, 2008

The Pussy-fication of America



Warning: this entry contains strong language and half-baked commentary on contemporary American culture.

The seventh season of American Idol ended two nights ago, and not a moment too soon for Mr. and Mrs. Beavers. We do not watch the show on a regular basis--we have endured it maybe four times--but we did tune in to find out who won the 2008 prize.

The two finalists, David A and David C, have the look a couple of mildly-retarded suburban boys who would fight to the death over a Hot Pocket. THOSE GUYS were the best of the lot? They have the collective charisma of Jon Cryer, and not the young Jon Cryer of Pretty in Pink. The older, half-creepy Two and a Half Men Jon Cryer.

After David C won, he feigned both humble and cocky shock (a tough move to pull off, but he did it), then blubbered and launched into an out of tune version of "The Time of My Life", while the crowd lost their collective shit, as if the Messiah himself had come back to share the good news with his chosen people. We are starved for real stars in America, and willing to accept substitutes. But Elvis has left the building, never to return. So we rawk out to David C.

The audacity of the judges floor me, every time: Randy Jackson, proof that most whites believe that any African-American who calls people "dawg" must be sincere and wise; Paula Abdul--stoned to the bone on pills and babbling about how "there are no losers in life"...Simon Cowell--evidence that any Englishman with a half-way decent rap can snow all of America and make a mint off of Euro-cheese...

"This show SUCKS!" shouted Mr. Beavers. "It's awful. Those boys...Jesus...they represent the pussy-fication of America."

"Yes, I know," I said as I stroked his strong arm. "I know."

5 comments:

mrbeavers said...

This show is the bullshit up with which I shall not put. Pure, unadulterated filth, pumped seemingly nightly into living rooms across this country. And the people who sing on it, and sit in the audience and scream mindlessly, are a bunch of god damned pussies who do nothing but shop at Hot Topic all day. God damned generation of pussies, Mrs. Beavers. A god damned generation of pussies.

gina said...

...at least David A. didn't win. You may have thought David C. was the antichrist, but in fact he is the lesser of two evils. I have only watched said show ONCE - last week - and they did a special on each contestant, and David A. is not only a mormon but has the mom from hell. She literally looks younger than him and grips his arm while baring her teeth at all moments that he's not on stage. You could look it up.
However, on all other points I agree. And I like the way Mr. Beavers uses Winston Churchill to make his point. Muchos Ethos.

mrbeavers said...

Yes, quite. Thank you, Gina, for noticing. God save the Queen.

Michael said...

I admit that me and my gal used to watch A.I. and were fans in the earlier years.They used to have people who could ACTUALLY sing. Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Stoddard and Carrie whats her name. But really folks, it's now just awful(well, it was never good-just entertaining in a twisted sorta way like COPS.)The show this year that ended my viewing forever was the Beatles tribute nite. Half the singers never even listened to the fab four. How can you be a singer/musician without ever listening the Beatles. Yep, a generation of wussies. And all of them will vote for old man Mccain.

C. Michael Cook said...

Mrs. Beavers --

I've never seen an episode of "American Idol" and can't see changing my ways now. But I'm sorry to hear you and Mister were so incensed by this season's finale.

Come over here and sit with us -- we're watching the National Science Discovery Bio Channel on Tivo and enjoying a couple of sidecars.